aimlessly drifting

Two months have passed since my last posting and in some aspects I have nothing to show for it. Life zooms by just trying to get through daily struggles. I've wanted to blog but had nothing I felt was worth reading (if anyone even reads here anymore) so I let the urge pass, this went on for much of the last two months.

My spiritual body is wholly neglected and forgotten.  I am lucky to be giving any focus to myself these days, but I make the effort and for right now the effort has been healing my autoimmune-diseased battered body.  I'm nine weeks gluten-free, feeling good overall however the weight gain is pissing me off.  I removed the high carb gluten free flours of my first month gluten free and that is when the weight gain really took off, so I'm frustrated as all get out trying to figure out what is going on.  Pixie and I are getting out and walking to help boost metabolism, build muscles and get fit for her Make a Wish trip this summer.  Yesterday I was brought to my knees with a stomach virus that came out of nowhere and left me feeling like a wrung out sponge. While I feel fine today my innards are a bit 'meh' at the thought of food so this will be a nice restarting point for the proper diet.

Emotional body has been getting a lot of focus, lots of old childhood pains being addressed and healed this year especially. I hope one day that I meet a great guy who is everything I want, deserve and need but with all my traumas and pain logical nags me regularly that now is not the time.  The fact I attracted the dregs of humanity were proof of that!

So back to spiritual self. This has been rearing it's head lately.  I need to focus more here and the cool thing is that yesterday morning I did a reading and it was acknowledged in the reading that I am in a place where I cannot expand and grow spiritually because of surroundings and people around me. What was very interesting for me was the focus on ancestors. I have been working heavily on tracking family history for both my family as well as the families of my niece and nephews so lots of looking at the past and solving mysteries and working puzzles. So this card (in the Earth Magic oracle deck) spoke of ancestors not only in my past but ancestral spirits in the land around me. This connected so beautifully with me and gave me a shot of energy and inspiration.  The land I live on is very negative, filled with spiritual energies that are not welcoming or friendly and it really bogs me down. I haven't been thriving like I used to living anywhere else.It's been a struggle to just survive but this was the only option we had so I make the best of it.

I was all ready to step out and take the world by the scruff of it's neck and make it mine.  the this stomach virus snuck in and kicked my ass. ugh.  So, re-examining my options while I recover.  I miss being spiritual, and witchy and feeling connected, everything felt right when I was. So now to find my way back.

new changes afoot

In the last couple of weeks I have been focusing on my battle with PCOS. It has been the source of great frustration, heartache and the odd physical ailments for my entire adult life.  Recently I learned that it is highly suspected that PCOS is a autoimmune disorder and that gluten, dairy, and other food allergens could be causing all the troubles we PCOSers live with.  Well, dairy isn't my friend, I've known this for years, I can do fermented dairy, some cheeses, with no ill effects.  I refuse to give up eggs, they make me happy and unless my body shows me that I can no longer have them I will stick with them.  I get my eggs fresh from my neighbor's healthy chickens, can't beat that.

Which leaves me with gluten. I know carbohydrates are not my friend. they contribute to my weight gain and resistance to weight loss.  I had been currently off a lower carb diet because I spent years, adhering strictly to low carb living and still, weight stayed put. UGH.  so now I am one week into gluten-free living and holy moly!  I feel fantastic!  I had been struggling with discomfort with my innards since I was on antibiotics for a tooth infection last month. No amount of probiotics helped.  So cutting out/reducing the gluten intake has helped considerably.  I still had some lavash (oatbran, flax and wheat, so gluten) to use up but apart from that I have been eating Rudi's gluten free whole grain hamburger buns when I have any bread.  I found a rice cheese that is amazing and had a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches over the course of the week.  How I have missed those!

So I have decided to set up a blog dedicated to the ups and downs of gluten-free living over here with my first recipe Creamy Lentil Soup with basil pesto.  yum

Ready for Spring

The older I get the less I appreciate or even like Winter.  I know, I know, perfect time to rest and go all introspective and all but for someone who already lives in their head this is just more of the same.  The cold makes my bones ache and I dread the ice whether I be traveling by car or by foot.  I've never loved Winter, even as I child, I made do and anxiously awaited Spring.  There is nothing like Spring, the tangible surge of energy all around, the growing cacophony of birdsong, and the flood of color spreading, it makes my heart burst with joy and my spirit soar.

Hibernating away in a cosy, warm home with a woodstove or fireplace, with picture windows to watch a gentle pastoral scene of wild life coming in to poke about as I sit warming myself by a fire, knitting and dreaming of Spring planting.  the not having to go anywhere is key for me, then perhaps I'd revel in the slowness that the Winter season brings.  However in this day and age we are a go go go society and life has not brought be to a place where I can tuck in for a season. It is a goal, for my older years, however for now I have to continue building the foundation for that future.

For this Winter I have been appreciating a slower life, this year we lay low to keep Pixie out of the frequently sick populace while her immune system is suppressed.  One cold in September nearly wiped out her neutrophils and nearly landed us back in the hospital.  After spending so many weeks there last winter I am bound and determined to keep her healthy and far away from the in patient floor! Six months more of treatment and then things return to normal (well, normal for us).  I am starting to look at job opportunities, as I must find work, a new home and a foster home for all of my plants this year. It feels rather daunting but the battle to maintain a positive chatter in my head helps some. 

In the meantime I've been working more with crystals, doing readings for people and working to exercise my intuitive self.   One of the most amazing happenings for me of late is my sudden ability to handle and wear carnelian!  I have never been able to, it caused headaches and increased heart issues and made me quite irritable.  I was reading The Illustrated Directory of Healing Crystals by Cassandra Eason a few days ago and suddenly got it in my mind to try holding the one piece of carnelian I have.  It was an amazing experience, my hands hummed, my heart chakra area got warm and energized.  I wore it for a few hours and then again most of yesterday and the energy level is fantastic, it uplifts my moods and gives such a sense of confidence and power.  I am still trying to figure out why this has suddenly changed, my theory is that I had some serious blockage somewhere that the carnelian was trying to work open and I fought it subconsciously. Either way, I'll work with it now for as long as I can.  I also invite others to reexamine their reactions to certain stones and see if perhaps it's stirring up emotions, etc. that you may not be ready to deal with.

I was hoping to write more however my laptop stopped working, I am sad that I was unable to get all my photos, recipes, etc off of it before it crapped out.  I knew it was going to happen but didn't have the sd cards or the funds for sd cards to back it all up. sigh.  For now I am back on a desktop PC however the hard wooden chair is most uncomfortable so I don't sit for as long anymore.  Probably a good thing!

So in order to set up the desktop in our new room I had to clean and pack away stuff.  I must say just this little work in one corner of the room has made a huge difference in the overall energy of the space.  Since Pixie's diagnosis we have been stuffed into this tiny room because it is on the first floor and has it's own bathroom.  While the danger of her on the stairs has passed, the ability to control contagions in the bathroom keeps us here.  I stay with her because all other rooms are on the second floor and I'd never sleep knowing she was downstairs all by herself. So this way we sleep better, despite the noisy people and early morning hungry cat stomping all over me howling for food.

It will be interesting to see what comes of this new burst of energy both in me and in our sleep space/haven.  Hopefully more knitting!  In the meantime I'll poke through old backups and try to retrieve as many photos and files as I can, and hopefully somewhere a computer geek can power up my laptop long enough to remove all my precious files.  Until then, family tree climbing and knitting!

"Crow is the left-handed guardian"

Tuesday morning joy, two crows perched on the fence 5 feet from me as I stopped for a coffee this morning. I was grinning like an idiot to see them so close and since two crows mean joy I really was bursting with a sunshine-y energy this foggy morning.

Crows and ravens are a totem of mine and Pixie's.  In Native American zodiac we were both born during the time of the crow.  No matter where we go, these lovely beauties follow.  Whenever we are driving one of us will point out crows we see...."three crows"...."four crows", is a frequent sound in our car.

Despite their consistent presence in my life, I find that each time I have a significant encounter with them I have to go look at their totem meaning.  Today I realised how crazy that is!  I am thinking that perhaps I am not as connected to them as I should be, despite their constant presence.  Yesterday evening I got to thinking that my magical/witchy practices really need renewed focus from me.  the last five years have been rough so my spirituality took a big old hit.  I miss the awe and wonder of exploring the pagan path.  Ten years ago I was a part of a couple online e-lists and we shared info, ideas and blogged and it was fantastic.  Ten years later the internet community has changed, now it seems that it's all about exposure and making a buck and not sharing and growing as a community, so I've been feeling quite lost.  Granted my path is my own I still like to gather ideas and such from others as they walk their own path.  In the last several years my path has been less witchy and more energetically spiritual (if that makes sense).  I am not Wiccan, I identify myself as earth centered pagan.  I think these last five years reflect my disconnection from the outdoors.  Having had school, work and living in the city and then all the stress etc. of Pixie's treatment I don't have the constant connection with quiet, woods, and natural hum of the earth to soothe myself with.  Plus the regular messages I've gotten in the last year to get out into nature have been ignored (smacks forehead).  I did make a half-assed attempt last summer and autumn, however it was challenging as the land we live on is spiritually active and was on overload for much of the summer and all through the autumn, making it tough to really relax.

So, enough of my excuses, eh?  Yeah.  I really miss sharing passion and excitement in our paths, it seems so many people have been so inundated with stress, struggle and heartache and have forgotten the joys of our spirituality.  I miss my girls of the CPD, who while I still connect with them on f@cebook it's just not the same, I feel we scattered to the four corners of the earth.  I would love to find a group that really wanted to make a working effort to reconnect to the earth/goddess/divine/nature/etc through practices, crafting, everyday living and share their experiences.  All without trying to make a buck or see how many followers to their blog they can get. Which seems to be the popular thing nowadays. :(

For now I'll work on getting myself on track, and strive to babble on about it here.

the whirligig that poses as my brain..

It may be the new year, which routes my thoughts to new beginnings and trying anew to find some sort of balance and peace with myself. As with many, I struggle frequently, I am often rather lost and adrift.  Understanding the why is the challenge, I have been contemplating setting up an anonymous blog to just talk it all out, cheapest therapy I can find.  I have tried writing in my journal but for some reason it doesn't work quite the same way.  I suspect that the written word splayed out for the world to see sends a sort of sos signal and sometime, somewhere, there is a soul reading and knowing they are not alone in their struggles. It's a less invested way to find the confirmation that one's life isn't as peachy keen as we'd want, that we are not (all that) crazy and that we are earthbound souls struggle so hard to manage our way through this incarnation.  An incarnation we chose to have.

My biggest hurdle right now is the mire that is depression and the after effects of having my only child diagnosed with cancer.  I notice when I begin speaking or writing about it I immediately throw up walls and beat myself up "here she goes again, going on and on and on about that cancer thing" and I stop writing.  Why?  This is one of the most terrifying experiences a parents can go through.  To top that off I have done it alone, for the most part, in my physical life (as opposed to online connections). I'm not the first and I won't be the last however this is current my heavy weight, pulling me down and slowing me to a crawl. This is why I wonder about an anonymous blog, not just with all I've endured the last almost two years but also the realization that in those two years I've completely lost myself.  I have no desire to do anything for me, I am that fucking tired.  It's a struggle to climb the stairs to take a shower each day, to brush my teeth, to eat foods I need to in order to keep my PCOS in check.  I feel exhausted every day, some days I physically ache so much I can barely move and eating is the last thing I wish to do, however low blood sugar forces me to get something.  My joy in delighting in raw foods, fresh food creations was forgotten a few years back.

I know all the self-help to do lists, I've been reading them ad nauseum. I don't want to do a damn thing, just sleep, maybe knit, sit in the garden and listen to the birds (if only it were spring or summer).  Life has gotten too hard and I have checked out.  If one more person tells me I need to seek counseling I'll punch them in the face.  I've done counseling a good portion of my life, how else can an empath, abuse victim and child of divorce survive in this crazy world without it? I have a child with me 24/7 and its difficult to schedule or plan much of anything because there is no one in town to help, everyone lives out of town.

I know the mental chatter required to be a functioning, productive member of the human race.  I can help anyone else, provide love, support, guidance. I just cannot manage that for myself, the weight and exhaustion have depleted me. My heart aches so painfully that my child came so close to dying.  I am VERY blessed and thankful that she survived, healed and is thriving however that paralyzing fear coming to life punched the air out of me. I yearn for some time where I can be mothered, nurtured, looked after so I can get back to a good place again.  However, I don't think that option is available to me. The one person who filled this role passed away ten years ago this September. I am the mother, the nurturer, the caretaker now. My emotional self is telling my logical mind to piss off, we want what we want even if we may not be able to have it.  It has reverted to a petulant child, stomping and pouting. Something it rarely has had the opportunity to do, even when I was a child.

So, what does one do when they find themselves in such a place with few perceptible resources?  That is what I intend to figure out. I have to heal and thrive, I just don't feel I can do it alone anymore.

Nearly a year ago I made a vision board, in it there were countless images of love, marriage, partners, another person.  I'm a Libra so that's a bit of a DUH! We crave relationships.  However, I have always been very careful and guarded, I've had two *serious* relationships in my life and 1 dating relationship in my 43 years. So for some reason the love, partnership, etc. is the big part of what I focused on last year.  As I prepare to create a new vision board I am struck but the lack of appeal that now has for me.  I'd say it's the furthest thing from my mind but that's not true.  I would like a companion, I have just realized that he isn't around here right now.  It would explain the lack of appeal ever male I see out there has for me. Perhaps I am deluding myself.  Either way, today my focuses in this vision board are about redirecting my diet, pulling more joy out of gardening, being out in nature, my photography, being active with my daughter.  I see that as progress, that I am recognising I need to come first, in this healing process before I think about bringing someone else into this nuthouse I call a heart.  I have five and a half years ahead before Pixie is 18 and heading off to college.  I often wonder if maybe that time is meant only for the two of us.  As for the now, this year I must find a steady, abundant source of income, a home for us and pull out of this tightly shelled ball I've been in since Pixie started improving and I knew she was in remission and survived the treatment. I'd like this shell and feeling of malaise long gone before this summer so I can fully enjoy this trip of a lifetime with her and my brother. So blogging, either here or somewhere else, is looking more appealing.

21-Day Challenge - Yoga Journal

Starts today, Pixie and I will both be doing this. It is my hope that this will kickstart me enough to get me back into regular yoga practice.


21-Day Challenge - Yoga Journal

Welcome 2012

After weeks of computer issues (first the battery then the power adapter) I finally got my power adapter in the mail today (best $4 ever spent!) and got my laptop up and running today!  I was more upset about the possibility of having lost all of my photos and files on here that were not backed up.  So, plan for this week is to at least get my photos into some storage.

So 2012 started off oddly, while the old to new year was spent at my brother's and sister in law's home with them, my newest niece and my oldest sister (and of course my Pixie!) what started once we returned home seemed a downhill slide and that confused me.  Now as we reach the Full Moon I find my energy kicking up some.  I got to visit my fave witchy store twice in the last week which resulted in a hunk of galena and a small piece of diopside.  I also had some good chats with the owner which helped to make sense of all that has been coming through in the last month or so.  I have been noticing that spirit guides are coming through more, spirits in general are coming through more. I have been shaking off the decades of fear of this gift, everything is beginning to fit me better. I love that I can help people and pass along messages or guidance.

So 2012 is here!  I am so thankful and excited, so much is happening this year, I will be back to work at a new job this year, Pixie and I will either be into a new home or preparing for moving into a new home. This year brings the much anticipated and exciting end of leukemia treatment for my beloved girl, my beautiful survivor who has beaten cancer.  This summer will bring us to Scotland for 9 glorious days exploring the magical and haunted sites that Pixie wishes to see. This is a year that brings us the rebirth of us in our new and MUCH happier lives.  This is a year of hope and potential as well as dreams realized and new beginnings celebrated.  All of the unknowns seem daunting at times but I work hard to say open and welcoming to all the wonderful things and experiences coming our way.

Happy New Year!