Blissed the eff out!

Still on a bit of a high from our amazing holiday in Scotland.  Things are so wonderful and amazing right now, thrilling even!

The girlie and I leave for a long weekend with other families whose kids were diagnosed with cancer, it's a fun filled weekend yearly that we love.  Canoeing, swimming, hiking, archery, and so much more. Because I'll be offline for the weekend I wanted to share the exciting release of Pagan Living's Autumn 2012 issue.  It's a lovely mag and I was quite honored to be asked if Id be interested in writing an article for it.  So, persimmon-y love shall be found somewhere within the pages of the magazine.  I'll be back writing a new foody article for their Winter issue later this year!  Such fun!

Scotland was a dream, we are definitely going back and really want to move there.  I have loads of photos I am still working through to resize and some to clean up a bit (lots of photos taken from trains and cars as the country sped by).  The most boggling thing that happened there was silence.  Silence!  My intuitive self found peace for the first time in my life, it was BLISS!  No chatter, no spirit, no emotions coming off everything, just stillness and I was so happy to experience it.

Since our return it has kicked in on overdrive through, in fact it started on the flight from Amsterdam to Boston with a small something bumping at my hip in the aisle. No child there.  Since home I've been getting back into intuitive readings and am finding it's really fine tuned a lot of the melee that flows in my head.  I have a new found, much needed, confidence that now has me moving forward to do readings in person for people. I have two events this Autumn that I'll be reading at.  One is in another week in Manchester, NH for Pagan Pride and the second is in Laconia, NH at Wild Woman's Studio's Witch's Tea Party at the end of October (dates and times to come).  The Pagan Pride event isn't  anything huge for me, I'll actually be doing more chair massage for people with hopefully some readings in between when my hands need a rest.  So if you are around, come see us at Veteran's Park in Manchester.  $10-$15 chair massage for 10-15 minutes of massage.

on Isle of Harris, that purple blip at the bottom is a mystery, I took this photo in a burst of three images and this was the middle photo.

Glenfinnan Viaduct, made famous in the Harry Potter movie

A fisherman in Mallaig Harbour

spectacular view from Portree, Isle of Skye

at Òb nan Ròn

 — Staffin, Isle of Skye, Scotland

Creag An Fèilidh aka "Kilt Rock" 

The Peace Hour with Birkan Tore - ''Going Pro'' 08/28 by Birkan Tore | Blog Talk Radio

The Peace Hour with Birkan Tore - ''Going Pro'' 08/28 by Birkan Tore | Blog Talk Radio

I've watched my friend Birkan grow as a healer these last 5-6 years.  The man knows his stuff!

Endings and New Beginnings

I shared the news yesterday on Facebook, this photo is an *outtake* and I wanted to use it in some way as well to share the Pixie in those eyes. I haven't seen that mischief, humor and light in those eyes in a very long time.  So today and for all tomorrows I celebrate it.

Yesterday my beloved girlie ended her cancer treatment. The news has been spread far and wide (and continues to spread) and, as with her treatment and bringing us prayers and healing energies on her behalf, we had countless strangers celebrating her victory with us.

Tomorrow we leave for Scotland, with a layover in Amsterdam.  She is so incredibly excited!  This is her Make a Wish *wish* (well, the Scotland part, the Amsterdam visit is bonus thanks to the long layover).

We'll be back in ten days, with loads of photos!

on this First Harvest...

A new month and Full Moon brings the opportunity for a fresh start. August, the month marked with such intense solar energy as my neck of the woods begins to become blanketed in various shades of yellows and oranges along with the end of summer heat before we see the tangible seasonal shift.  This Summer has been very odd indeed, a very hot, very humid yet very dry (on the rainfall front) start before we saw a few days of respite and then back to the heat for a bit.  My garden is confused, burnt and very sad looking.  My herbs are thriving though!  I have been enjoying a peaceful summer with my sweet girlie as she nears the end of her cancer treatment.  This is our first big "HOORAY!" for the month, her last in treatment clinic appointment is in one week and then four days after that she has her LAST dose of chemo EVER!  I am so happy and thankful for her healing, she is beautiful, vibrant, healthy and happy!  This mama couldn't ask for anything more!

Two weeks from today we leave for Scotland!  Very exciting!  For any remaining readers here, I'll be flooding this site with photos, hundreds of them at the very least. Since November, when I did my reading for the year, this month has been coming up as being a month of HUGE happy changes for me, Scotland seems to play a part in that so it will be interesting to see how everything plays out. We'll be spending 8-9 days touristing around, seeing all sorts of wonderful sights.  We'll be visiting Callanish Stone circle, which has been on Pixie's wishlist long before the movie Brave came out. I dread the ferry rides, as I am horridly motion sick on water especially, but it will be worth seeing that amazing place.

I've recently added pages to this site with some of my old Seasonal Kitchen columns from Pagan Activist. As always with this time of  year, as the season shifts I'll be sharing more recipes because my culinary urges intensify between the equinox and the winter solstice.  Hoping that getting back to work next month will open up an influx of +++ finances and allow me to enjoy myself more in the kitchen.  I've a gluten-free diet to play about with and two somewhat different dietary needs to accommodate.  Should be fun!

Sending out Lunasda and Full Moon blessings, I close this entry with some recipes fit for the celebrations.



Pear Bread
almanac.com

A lovely tea bread that is special enough to be dessert for a picnic. It freezes well so keep an extra loaf on hand for unexpected guests. The Governor's Inn, Ludlow, Vermont

Yield: Makes 1 loaf

    * 1/2 cup sweet butter (1 stick), room temperature
    * 1 cup sugar
    * 2 large eggs
    * 2 cups all-purpose flour
    * 1/2 teaspoon salt
    * 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
    * 1 teaspoon baking powder
    * Pinch nutmeg
    * 1/4 cup buttermilk
    * 1 cup coarsely chopped cored pears (or pureed in food processor or blender)
    * 1 teaspoon vanilla
    * 1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Cream butter, gradually beat in sugar, and add eggs one at a time, beating after each addition. Combine dry ingredients and add to egg mixture alternately with buttermilk. Stir in pears, vanilla, and nuts. Pour into a greased loaf pan and bake at 350 degrees F for 1 hour. Cool. Slice and serve plain, with Quick Apple Butter (recipe follows), or with cream cheese.
Quick Apple Butter

    * 2 cups unsweetened applesauce
    * 1/2 cup sugar
    * 1/4 teaspoon ground allspice
    * Pinch each of ginger and cloves

Combine all ingredients in a saucepan, bring to a boil, and simmer 30 minutes. Cool and spread on Pear Bread (or toast). Makes 1-1/2 cups.

Spiced Sweet Roasted Red Pepper Hoummus

1 (15 ounce) can garbanzo beans, drained (or other white beans)

1 (4 ounce) jar roasted red peppers 

3 tablespoons lemon juice 

1 1/2 tablespoons tahini 

1 clove garlic, minced 

1/2 teaspoon ground cumin 

1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper 

1/4 teaspoon salt 

1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley 

In an electric blender or food processor, puree the chickpeas, red peppers, lemon juice, tahini, garlic, cumin, cayenne, and salt. Process, using long pulses, until the mixture is fairly smooth, and slightly fluffy. Make sure to scrape the mixture off the sides of the food processor or blender in between pulses. Transfer to a serving bowl and refrigerate for at least 1 hour. (The hummus can be made up to 3 days ahead and refrigerated. Return to room temperature before serving.) 

Sprinkle the hummus with the chopped parsley before serving. 

Zucchini Salsa

10 cups zucchini, peeled and shredded

4 onions, chopped

2 green bell peppers, chopped

2 red bell peppers, chopped

1/4 cup pickling salt

1 tablespoon pickling salt

2 tablespoon dry mustard

1 tablespoon garlic powder

1 tablespoon cumin

2 cups white vinegar

1 cup brown sugar

2 tablespoon crushed red pepper flakes

1 teaspoon nutmeg

1 teaspoon black pepper

5 cups chopped ripe tomatoes

2 tablespoon cornstarch

2 cans tomato paste

In a large bowl combine; Zucchini, onions, green pepper, red pepper and the salt Mix together cover and let stand over night.

Next day rinse, drain well and put into a large pot then add mustard, garlic, cumin, vinegar, brown sugar, pepper flakes, cornstarch, nutmeg, pepper, tomatoes and tomato paste.

Bring to a boil and simmer for 15 minutes.

Pour into sterilized jars and seal.

Water bath jars if they have not sealed properly.

Note: If you want it "HOT" just add a dozen finely chopped jalapenos 

Source: unknown

Gram's Sweet Relish

3qt green tomatoes

3 large ripe tomatoes

4 onions

5 sweet red peppers

4 sweet green peppers

1/2c. salt

Set overnight.  drain

5c. sugar

1 cinnamon stick (remove before canning)

3pts apple cider vinegar

Cooking: 1 hour and then can

Confetti Corn and Bulgur Salad

Pillsbury Best of the Bakeoff 

1c. uncooked bulgur wheat

1 garlic clove, minced (I added more)

1c. boiling water

1/4c. olive oil

In a large bowl combine above four ingredients, mix well and let stand 30 min.

1 medium red apple, chopped

1/2c. golden raisins

2 TB fresh lemon juice

1 (15.25oz) can whole kernel corn, drained

4 Italian plum tomatoes, chopped

4 scallions or green onions, thinly sliced

1/2 c. finely chopped fresh basil 

1/4 tsp salt

1/4 tsp pepper

In a medium bowl, combine apple, raisins and lemon juice; mix well.  Fluff bulgur with fork.  Add apple mixture and remaining ingredients; mix well.  If desired line serving bowl with kale or lettuce leaves.  spoon salad into a bowl

YIELDS: 8 1c servings

per serving: 190 calories; 4g protein; 32g carbohydrate; 8g fat; 180mg sodium

Birdy love

We had a run of bad luck with computers earlier this year, and during that time I thought I had lost years worth of photos that I hadn't backed up.  Happily, I was able to retrieve all those photos and now try to upload them in various places online so I will always have them. One of my greatest joys is photographing birds.  We have feeders and now my grandmother's birdbath (at least I think it's hers, if not it's the spitting image if it) and our oasis in urban sprawl brings us countless varieties of birds visiting. So, without further ado-birds of the Concord Heights:

Lazy, hazy, summer days

I always have the best intentions to post regularly here, but the days, and my thoughts often run away with me. I am happy to notice that my thoughts are happier and more positive each passing day, much of my reticence in writing here was to avoid wallowing in the negative.

So this summer has been glorious, we have so much to be thankful for with a healthy Pixie whose cancer treatment is finished in 21 days!  It has been a long 2 year and nearly four months and her health having returned is the light of my life.  She is in flux, as her 13th birthday nears this fall we have the oh.so.lovely hormonal mood swings starting.  I have begun thinking of her moon time, when it finally starts, and what can I do to make it a celebration. We are blessed to have a lovely circle of magical folk around us to help celebrate with us.  She is one day lamenting that her Hogwarts acceptance letter didn't arrive (the explanation I offered was that she was in cancer treatment at 11 so perhaps at 13 something will arrive) and the next she is oogling and sighing over shirtless, well muscled men as we drive.  Oh the joys of nearly teenaged girlies!

She got to enjoy a few hours of fishing last month, she delighted in finding a snail (above) and sung "shellicky shellicky bookey" quietly trying to entice it from it's shell. No such luck, so she spent the remaining time trying to catch bass. Her reconnecting to nature and the magical part of herself has been moving forward quite solidly.  A few days after her treatment ends next month we will be in Scotland for her Make A Wish trip, the itinerary is amazing-we'll tour a few islands, ride the Jacobite Steam train, see Loch Ness and spend several days in Edinburgh having some haunted fun.  We will also be visiting The Wyrd Shop, a lovely looking witchy shop in Edinburgh that she is anxious to shop at.  I'll spend the weeks following resizing and uploading the photos of our adventures there, so keep an eye out. 

So we are hoping for cooler summer weather in order to spend more time outside.  The horrid heat and humidity has kept us inside far too much.  Our container garden is suffering no matter how much we water, not sure we'll have anything to harvest this year, nothing is doing well.  The weeks have been sent cleaning the house after my mother moved away and sorting through all of our things, to downsize and make moving next year an easier task for us. 

To beat the heat we have been crafting indoors in cooler weather, lots of knitting and jewelry making.  I was asked if I would write a food article for the online magazine Pagan Living, so I'll be sure to link to the autumn issue when it's out!  So this article found us experimenting with persimmons and creating various recipes and hopefully everyone enjoys them as much as Pixie and I did!

I've also been continuing with my intuitive readings, mostly via email but I think skype is my next step to ease me to face to face readings I plan to do in September and October especially.  I've been debating offering short reads for $15 so I can make some spending case for our trip.  I was told by the NH office that we'll get money for souvenirs in the amount of $50 each, which is more like £30.  To be honest other families we have met who had wishes granted mentioned receiving A LOT more spending money so I was shocked and now I'm at a panic.  Pixie is working for her grandfather doing odd jobs to make money, my brother and I will give her our $50 so she has money, of course that leaves me with a shortage and I'd like to be able to get some gifts for people, fiber for me and souvenirs as well.  September brings a driver's license renewal, car inspection and registration (and if it needs work to pass inspection that will be more money) so I have to have a few hundred dollars to get that done and I'll also be job searching too.  (some serious, kickass "get the perfect job for Steph and Pixie" vibes are VERY welcomed).

So, if you know anyone looking for an intuitive reading, be sure to send them my way.  Every little bit will help!  In the meantime, cleaning, sorting, knitting and staying happy and positive.  It's a lovely summer, hopefully I'll write here more frequently!

Finding Faith

I had thought of calling this entry "Spiritual Crisis", however as I thought of it I found that really did not describe where I am at.   I have been through a lot in the last two years especially with my daughter's cancer treatment, however much of what I am experiencing goes much deeper and much further back in my history.  The culmination of working on old trauma, damage, fears and layer on everything that has or has not happened in my life since then and the end result is the chaotic hot mess that is me.

I lay awake during the night last night looking back over my life.  I am on the verge of....I don't know what.  Financially my life is in tatters.  "Find a job" is the most frequent response by well meaning people in my life.  However, it's not as cut and dry for me.  I am an emotional and mental mess, the thought of being away from my child is more intense that ever.  It's not only from the trauma of her diagnosis, it's been going on for years before that.  All I have ever wanted was to stay home and raise this gift of mine.  No one really seems to understand where I am coming from.  She is my miracle, after being told I'd never be able to have children without medical intervention (and even then a small chance of that).  She graced my life with her light, I became a different and better person.  However, looking back over the last twenty years I see a lot of lacking on my part.  Insulated off from a harsh world was all I could manage. I had one amazing pastoral counselor in my late-20's that got me back out into the world after a very bad time with agoraphobia and such intense apathy that I didn't care if I lived or died. Around this time I had such a breakdown, I'm not sure what it's called but I snapped and just shut down.  I crawled into bed and that was it, unresponsive and just not there. I had no sense of time.  I feel rather weak, with how I handle stress and life in general.  I've never felt comfortable in my skin, or where I am in life. Very out of place and not knowing what to do about it.  I had attributed much of this to my shutting out all of the psychic overload I lived with since I was very young.  Feeling emotions, seeing spirit (usually angry nasties) and having a sense of knowing I just had no clue what to do with.  It was this same pastoral counselor who guided me through the hell I lived with inside myself.  She was such a gift for me.

So fast forward to now, I am coming back out of a very dark place.  I've journaled for the last two years, well, five actually, and looking back I can recognise improvement.  I tend to bury my head in the sand when everything gets to be too much. I obsessively focus elsewhere because I have no idea what to do and asking for help tends to get me nowhere much of the time.  I am not sure what my soul signed on for in this life but holy shit!  I feel like I was dumped in here solo and expected to learn it all by myself.  I often cannot think straight so I get so lost.  I have moments of clarity when it all makes sense and I get a plan and then it's as though I wake the next morning with amnesia, weeks or months go by before I realise what happened.  What is laughable is that I can do readings and see other's situation so crystal clear and I can't even manage a teensy fraction of that for myself.  I fall into the single mother with little to no means of income, a child still in cancer treatment and a mountain of debt staring me down.  Assistance from social security has blown up in my face and their mistake is now threatening to cost me nearly $7,000.  I am fighting it and hope for victory and one less stressor however no matter how many affirmations, or positive thoughts I have had-shit blows up in my face repeatedly.  So how does one find and maintain faith despite it all?

I am at it again, working to stay positive, affirmations, nightly thankfuls, trying to get out into the world again and slowly I am feeling better.  I am aware that this year will bring huge changes for me and I strive tonot let that thought overwhelm me.  Coming from a past of abuse, trauma and lots of fear, it is often a struggle to maintain positivity.   As a Libra I function best as a duo, though in my life I have chose that other half of my duo most horridly.  I've attracted the dregs of humanity so much that I realized I must hate myself and see myself as useless and unlovable that I don't deserve the very best in life. That thought breaks my heart, I hear my grandmother and my grandfather behind me right now, trying to tell me all the wonderful things that make me special and worth loving.  These are the two who loved me best in my childhood.  My grandfather Bryan passed away 31 years ago next week and I grieved his loss so intensely, never finding closure until last Samhuinn when, after my 3rd Reiki attunement that summer,  he finally was able to get through my thick cocoon.  I now know he has been with me for all of those thirty years, close by and holding me up when everything goes to shit.  I grieve the loss of more time with him on this earth so I could get to know him as a teenager and an adult.  To know more of his history and life in his younger years.  Now I work at through piece-mealed snippets of photos, records and stories, it helps me to connect with him a bit better and I am able to hear more of what he tries to tell me, or just letting me know he's nearby.  Oftentimes with he and my grandmother, they tend to *chastise* me when I speak or think negatively of myself. 

I thank them for their presences, because it helps to keep me going when things go all kerfluffled. I recognize lately that I am coming out of a very deep, dark cave.  I feel lighter, sometimes more hopeful and I work hard to be a happy person for my daughter, who senses everything I feel no matter how much I wall it off.  She deserves to see her mother happy and to get a glimpse of the silly person she has been known to be.  I loathe being the serious, only parent carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.  What I am working at now is to try and figure out what it is I need to do, I get no answers beyond "Be patient" and "don't worry". Leaves me wanting to screech like a banshee.  It takes a lot for me to find a counselor or the like to help me find my way.  I don't feel I can do this alone any longer, I've taken 14 years of it on my own and apart from raising the most amazing 12 year old I have failed miserably in everything other aspect of my life.  Bad choices are the big thing, but I sacrificed my happiness in order to have treasured time with my girl.  We made the best of life with her father, I hated every second of life with him but it gave me such wonderful times with her and with the land so it was well worth the price.  Now I am trying to find that life, minus toxic assholes, once again for my girl and I.  Our own home, farm, garden, time to pursue my passions and reconnect with my spiritual side and combine it with my energy and bodywork career interests.  It may seem easy to others, however for this extreme introvert it is sheer hell.  Still, every day I work to may at least the teensiest of baby steps forward, so hopefully I will be on the upswing soon enough and I can shed this overcoat of blah and be on my way to help others. The key, I have been seeing, is to maintain faith.  Which brings me right back to the "how?".  Faith is a foreign concept for me and it's moments like this I wish I were a church going person, because faith and ministers/pastors seem to go hand in hand in my thinking.

But that could be the Mormon-influenced Catholic upbringing I had.....