- Yule Cookie Recipes, 2003-2008
- Raising Chickens
- Companion Planting
- Container Gardening
- Non-Toxic Cleaning
- Organic Pest Control
- Gardening by the Moon
- Seasonal Kitchen-August 2008
- Seasonal Kitchen-Summer Solstice 2008, 2009
- Seasonal Kitchen-Samhuinn 2008
- Seasonal Kitchen-Harvest 2008
- Seasonal Kitchen-July 2008
11 May 2012
I lay awake during the night last night looking back over my life. I am on the verge of....I don't know what. Financially my life is in tatters. "Find a job" is the most frequent response by well meaning people in my life. However, it's not as cut and dry for me. I am an emotional and mental mess, the thought of being away from my child is more intense that ever. It's not only from the trauma of her diagnosis, it's been going on for years before that. All I have ever wanted was to stay home and raise this gift of mine. No one really seems to understand where I am coming from. She is my miracle, after being told I'd never be able to have children without medical intervention (and even then a small chance of that). She graced my life with her light, I became a different and better person. However, looking back over the last twenty years I see a lot of lacking on my part. Insulated off from a harsh world was all I could manage. I had one amazing pastoral counselor in my late-20's that got me back out into the world after a very bad time with agoraphobia and such intense apathy that I didn't care if I lived or died. Around this time I had such a breakdown, I'm not sure what it's called but I snapped and just shut down. I crawled into bed and that was it, unresponsive and just not there. I had no sense of time. I feel rather weak, with how I handle stress and life in general. I've never felt comfortable in my skin, or where I am in life. Very out of place and not knowing what to do about it. I had attributed much of this to my shutting out all of the psychic overload I lived with since I was very young. Feeling emotions, seeing spirit (usually angry nasties) and having a sense of knowing I just had no clue what to do with. It was this same pastoral counselor who guided me through the hell I lived with inside myself. She was such a gift for me.
I am at it again, working to stay positive, affirmations, nightly thankfuls, trying to get out into the world again and slowly I am feeling better. I am aware that this year will bring huge changes for me and I strive tonot let that thought overwhelm me. Coming from a past of abuse, trauma and lots of fear, it is often a struggle to maintain positivity. As a Libra I function best as a duo, though in my life I have chose that other half of my duo most horridly. I've attracted the dregs of humanity so much that I realized I must hate myself and see myself as useless and unlovable that I don't deserve the very best in life. That thought breaks my heart, I hear my grandmother and my grandfather behind me right now, trying to tell me all the wonderful things that make me special and worth loving. These are the two who loved me best in my childhood. My grandfather Bryan passed away 31 years ago next week and I grieved his loss so intensely, never finding closure until last Samhuinn when, after my 3rd Reiki attunement that summer, he finally was able to get through my thick cocoon. I now know he has been with me for all of those thirty years, close by and holding me up when everything goes to shit. I grieve the loss of more time with him on this earth so I could get to know him as a teenager and an adult. To know more of his history and life in his younger years. Now I work at through piece-mealed snippets of photos, records and stories, it helps me to connect with him a bit better and I am able to hear more of what he tries to tell me, or just letting me know he's nearby. Oftentimes with he and my grandmother, they tend to *chastise* me when I speak or think negatively of myself.
I thank them for their presences, because it helps to keep me going when things go all kerfluffled. I recognize lately that I am coming out of a very deep, dark cave. I feel lighter, sometimes more hopeful and I work hard to be a happy person for my daughter, who senses everything I feel no matter how much I wall it off. She deserves to see her mother happy and to get a glimpse of the silly person she has been known to be. I loathe being the serious, only parent carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. What I am working at now is to try and figure out what it is I need to do, I get no answers beyond "Be patient" and "don't worry". Leaves me wanting to screech like a banshee. It takes a lot for me to find a counselor or the like to help me find my way. I don't feel I can do this alone any longer, I've taken 14 years of it on my own and apart from raising the most amazing 12 year old I have failed miserably in everything other aspect of my life. Bad choices are the big thing, but I sacrificed my happiness in order to have treasured time with my girl. We made the best of life with her father, I hated every second of life with him but it gave me such wonderful times with her and with the land so it was well worth the price. Now I am trying to find that life, minus toxic assholes, once again for my girl and I. Our own home, farm, garden, time to pursue my passions and reconnect with my spiritual side and combine it with my energy and bodywork career interests. It may seem easy to others, however for this extreme introvert it is sheer hell. Still, every day I work to may at least the teensiest of baby steps forward, so hopefully I will be on the upswing soon enough and I can shed this overcoat of blah and be on my way to help others. The key, I have been seeing, is to maintain faith. Which brings me right back to the "how?". Faith is a foreign concept for me and it's moments like this I wish I were a church going person, because faith and ministers/pastors seem to go hand in hand in my thinking.
But that could be the Mormon-influenced Catholic upbringing I had.....
06 May 2012
So Pixie and I went about our evening, I made plans to do a release spell yesterday on this energetic-steroid-enhanced day, As the Moon went Full late in the evening I decided that perhaps I wait as close to then as possible. There were no worries about making it that long, I was far from sleepy, in fact I was wired for sound. The energy was palpable and coursed through me like a caffeine buzz, I could see as 11pm hit (and eeps, no noticing the time either) that my Pixie was just as energized.
I sat and wrote all that I was releasing, poured every ounce of fear and energy toward these into the page of paper. My release spell wasn't full out ritual, I didn't have most of the gear, but simple is often best so I went with the intent and energy. I crumpled the page and shook as the energy flowed into the paper. Then went into the bathroom and into a metal container lit the wad on fire and let it all go before flushing the ashes out of my life. I felt amazing! Fantastic! Brilliant! There is no word for the lightness and energetic fabulousness I experienced last night. I released all my attachments to fear over various things in my life, and with the last two years fear associated with money and debt had been huge. I let it all go. This morning after researching Bat energy I found that the earth and spirit energies were certainly backing me up for this ritual, as I saw them 3-4 hours before I did the release ritual.
Once Pixie was in bed and sleeping I lay and did some positive affirmations, sent prayer to all that hear me and then sort of floated a bit in my head, I forgot my melatonin so took it late in the evening and was nowhere near ready for sleep but it was after midnight so I at least attempted. I lay and became aware of energies and presences around me, in the corner of the room at the foot of the bed I saw sparkles and movement of white swirliness. I asked if they had something to tell me, WRONG move! Suddenly there was a flood of noise, energy and I could hear a man's voice talking which freaked me out because it sounded like it was far off in the house. I shut the fan off and sat up in bed listening. At this point Pixie woke up (I share her room since she started her cancer treatment and my old room has become a storage room sadly), and asked what was going on. I told her and when I settled back down in bed we lay there and shortly after she commented on the swirling sparks of light all over the ceiling, which I was watching but had not said a word to her. It was like a mushroom cap of dots of light (I saw pink, she saw no distinct color) that seem to press toward us, as though it was a cushion hanging from the ceiling. In the far corner of the room she could see movement, swirls and such (I had not told her of what I saw in the opposite corner) and there was a distinct high-test pressure of energy to the room. I think perhaps it scared her a bit, we have never experienced anything so intense. I commented to her that I had the impression this energy was calling to us, and then wondered if this was what some of the "2012" people believe, that we transform and ascend into this energy (maybe wrong choice of words but I'm coffee-less), becoming a part of this energy. It felt like this was calling us to it, to come with it, and suddenly I was no longer afraid. I felt a snippet of what this energy holds and it's beautiful.
What were your experiences last night? I look forward to hearing about all of them.