Finding Faith

I had thought of calling this entry "Spiritual Crisis", however as I thought of it I found that really did not describe where I am at.   I have been through a lot in the last two years especially with my daughter's cancer treatment, however much of what I am experiencing goes much deeper and much further back in my history.  The culmination of working on old trauma, damage, fears and layer on everything that has or has not happened in my life since then and the end result is the chaotic hot mess that is me.

I lay awake during the night last night looking back over my life.  I am on the verge of....I don't know what.  Financially my life is in tatters.  "Find a job" is the most frequent response by well meaning people in my life.  However, it's not as cut and dry for me.  I am an emotional and mental mess, the thought of being away from my child is more intense that ever.  It's not only from the trauma of her diagnosis, it's been going on for years before that.  All I have ever wanted was to stay home and raise this gift of mine.  No one really seems to understand where I am coming from.  She is my miracle, after being told I'd never be able to have children without medical intervention (and even then a small chance of that).  She graced my life with her light, I became a different and better person.  However, looking back over the last twenty years I see a lot of lacking on my part.  Insulated off from a harsh world was all I could manage. I had one amazing pastoral counselor in my late-20's that got me back out into the world after a very bad time with agoraphobia and such intense apathy that I didn't care if I lived or died. Around this time I had such a breakdown, I'm not sure what it's called but I snapped and just shut down.  I crawled into bed and that was it, unresponsive and just not there. I had no sense of time.  I feel rather weak, with how I handle stress and life in general.  I've never felt comfortable in my skin, or where I am in life. Very out of place and not knowing what to do about it.  I had attributed much of this to my shutting out all of the psychic overload I lived with since I was very young.  Feeling emotions, seeing spirit (usually angry nasties) and having a sense of knowing I just had no clue what to do with.  It was this same pastoral counselor who guided me through the hell I lived with inside myself.  She was such a gift for me.

So fast forward to now, I am coming back out of a very dark place.  I've journaled for the last two years, well, five actually, and looking back I can recognise improvement.  I tend to bury my head in the sand when everything gets to be too much. I obsessively focus elsewhere because I have no idea what to do and asking for help tends to get me nowhere much of the time.  I am not sure what my soul signed on for in this life but holy shit!  I feel like I was dumped in here solo and expected to learn it all by myself.  I often cannot think straight so I get so lost.  I have moments of clarity when it all makes sense and I get a plan and then it's as though I wake the next morning with amnesia, weeks or months go by before I realise what happened.  What is laughable is that I can do readings and see other's situation so crystal clear and I can't even manage a teensy fraction of that for myself.  I fall into the single mother with little to no means of income, a child still in cancer treatment and a mountain of debt staring me down.  Assistance from social security has blown up in my face and their mistake is now threatening to cost me nearly $7,000.  I am fighting it and hope for victory and one less stressor however no matter how many affirmations, or positive thoughts I have had-shit blows up in my face repeatedly.  So how does one find and maintain faith despite it all?

I am at it again, working to stay positive, affirmations, nightly thankfuls, trying to get out into the world again and slowly I am feeling better.  I am aware that this year will bring huge changes for me and I strive tonot let that thought overwhelm me.  Coming from a past of abuse, trauma and lots of fear, it is often a struggle to maintain positivity.   As a Libra I function best as a duo, though in my life I have chose that other half of my duo most horridly.  I've attracted the dregs of humanity so much that I realized I must hate myself and see myself as useless and unlovable that I don't deserve the very best in life. That thought breaks my heart, I hear my grandmother and my grandfather behind me right now, trying to tell me all the wonderful things that make me special and worth loving.  These are the two who loved me best in my childhood.  My grandfather Bryan passed away 31 years ago next week and I grieved his loss so intensely, never finding closure until last Samhuinn when, after my 3rd Reiki attunement that summer,  he finally was able to get through my thick cocoon.  I now know he has been with me for all of those thirty years, close by and holding me up when everything goes to shit.  I grieve the loss of more time with him on this earth so I could get to know him as a teenager and an adult.  To know more of his history and life in his younger years.  Now I work at through piece-mealed snippets of photos, records and stories, it helps me to connect with him a bit better and I am able to hear more of what he tries to tell me, or just letting me know he's nearby.  Oftentimes with he and my grandmother, they tend to *chastise* me when I speak or think negatively of myself. 

I thank them for their presences, because it helps to keep me going when things go all kerfluffled. I recognize lately that I am coming out of a very deep, dark cave.  I feel lighter, sometimes more hopeful and I work hard to be a happy person for my daughter, who senses everything I feel no matter how much I wall it off.  She deserves to see her mother happy and to get a glimpse of the silly person she has been known to be.  I loathe being the serious, only parent carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.  What I am working at now is to try and figure out what it is I need to do, I get no answers beyond "Be patient" and "don't worry". Leaves me wanting to screech like a banshee.  It takes a lot for me to find a counselor or the like to help me find my way.  I don't feel I can do this alone any longer, I've taken 14 years of it on my own and apart from raising the most amazing 12 year old I have failed miserably in everything other aspect of my life.  Bad choices are the big thing, but I sacrificed my happiness in order to have treasured time with my girl.  We made the best of life with her father, I hated every second of life with him but it gave me such wonderful times with her and with the land so it was well worth the price.  Now I am trying to find that life, minus toxic assholes, once again for my girl and I.  Our own home, farm, garden, time to pursue my passions and reconnect with my spiritual side and combine it with my energy and bodywork career interests.  It may seem easy to others, however for this extreme introvert it is sheer hell.  Still, every day I work to may at least the teensiest of baby steps forward, so hopefully I will be on the upswing soon enough and I can shed this overcoat of blah and be on my way to help others. The key, I have been seeing, is to maintain faith.  Which brings me right back to the "how?".  Faith is a foreign concept for me and it's moments like this I wish I were a church going person, because faith and ministers/pastors seem to go hand in hand in my thinking.

But that could be the Mormon-influenced Catholic upbringing I had.....

Our (Super) Full Moon in Scorpio experience

While, sadly, Pixie and I missed the opportunity to bask in the light of the Moon as she rose last night (dang clouds!).  What I did get to see were two bats frolicking about in the dimming sky.  It's rather early here for them so it was a surprise (and for all the ick factor they give me, a real treat).

So Pixie and I went about our evening, I made plans to do a release spell yesterday on this energetic-steroid-enhanced day,  As the Moon went Full late in the evening I decided that perhaps I wait as close to then as possible.  There were no worries about making it that long, I was far from sleepy, in fact I was wired for sound.  The energy was palpable and coursed through me like a caffeine buzz, I could see as 11pm hit (and eeps, no noticing the time either) that my Pixie was just as energized.

I sat and wrote all that I was releasing, poured every ounce of fear and energy toward these  into the page of paper.  My release spell wasn't full out ritual, I didn't have most of the gear, but simple is often best so I went with the intent and energy.  I crumpled the page and shook as the energy flowed into the paper. Then went into the bathroom and into a metal container lit the wad on fire and let it all go before flushing the ashes out of my life.  I felt amazing!  Fantastic! Brilliant!  There is no word for the lightness and energetic fabulousness I experienced last night.  I released all my attachments to fear over various things in my life, and with the last two years fear associated with money and debt had been huge.  I let it all go.  This morning after researching Bat energy I found that the earth and spirit energies were certainly backing me up for this ritual, as I saw them 3-4 hours before I did the release ritual. 

Once Pixie was in bed and sleeping I lay and did some positive affirmations, sent prayer to all that hear me and then sort of floated a bit in my head, I forgot my melatonin so took it late in the evening and was nowhere near ready for sleep but it was after midnight so I at least attempted.  I lay and became aware of energies and presences around me, in the corner of the room at the foot of the bed I saw sparkles and movement of white swirliness.  I asked if they had something to tell me, WRONG move!  Suddenly there was a flood of noise, energy and I could hear a man's voice talking which freaked me out because it sounded like it was far off in the house. I shut the fan off and sat up in bed listening. At this point Pixie woke up (I share her room since she started her cancer treatment and my old room has become a storage room sadly), and asked what was going on.  I told her and when I settled back down in bed we lay there and shortly after she commented on the swirling sparks of light all over the ceiling, which I was watching but had not said a word to her.  It was like a mushroom cap of dots of light (I saw pink, she saw no distinct color) that seem to press toward us, as though it was a cushion hanging from the ceiling. In the far corner of the room she could see movement, swirls and such (I had not told her of what I saw in the opposite corner) and there was a distinct high-test pressure of energy to the room.  I think perhaps it scared her a bit, we have never experienced anything so intense.  I commented to her that I had the impression this energy was calling to us, and then wondered if this was what some of the "2012" people believe, that we transform and ascend into this energy (maybe wrong choice of words but I'm coffee-less), becoming a part of this energy.  It felt like this was calling us to it, to come with it, and suddenly I was no longer afraid.  I felt a snippet of what this energy holds and it's beautiful.

The movements around the room started up even more and began to make me uncomfortable because the energy was so intense I was vibrating, it was near 1am and sleep was needed so I went looking for my zeolite, my one crystal that acts as my psychic housemother, allowing me a break from too much energy, or invasive energy (as a intuitive reader I have some people who feel they can just push their psychic energy into my space when they want a reading, this zeolite is great for shoring up those boundaries).  Once I found it I held it a bit, placed it on my crown chakra/third eye a bit and then gave it to Pixie to hold.  This dimmed out the energy and light show in a huge way and she was able to go back to sleep, by this time I was more than ready for sleep myself but SO excited about wanting to write it all down and share with my spiritual community and friends!

What were your experiences last night?  I look forward to hearing about all of them.

aimlessly drifting

Two months have passed since my last posting and in some aspects I have nothing to show for it. Life zooms by just trying to get through daily struggles. I've wanted to blog but had nothing I felt was worth reading (if anyone even reads here anymore) so I let the urge pass, this went on for much of the last two months.

My spiritual body is wholly neglected and forgotten.  I am lucky to be giving any focus to myself these days, but I make the effort and for right now the effort has been healing my autoimmune-diseased battered body.  I'm nine weeks gluten-free, feeling good overall however the weight gain is pissing me off.  I removed the high carb gluten free flours of my first month gluten free and that is when the weight gain really took off, so I'm frustrated as all get out trying to figure out what is going on.  Pixie and I are getting out and walking to help boost metabolism, build muscles and get fit for her Make a Wish trip this summer.  Yesterday I was brought to my knees with a stomach virus that came out of nowhere and left me feeling like a wrung out sponge. While I feel fine today my innards are a bit 'meh' at the thought of food so this will be a nice restarting point for the proper diet.

Emotional body has been getting a lot of focus, lots of old childhood pains being addressed and healed this year especially. I hope one day that I meet a great guy who is everything I want, deserve and need but with all my traumas and pain logical nags me regularly that now is not the time.  The fact I attracted the dregs of humanity were proof of that!

So back to spiritual self. This has been rearing it's head lately.  I need to focus more here and the cool thing is that yesterday morning I did a reading and it was acknowledged in the reading that I am in a place where I cannot expand and grow spiritually because of surroundings and people around me. What was very interesting for me was the focus on ancestors. I have been working heavily on tracking family history for both my family as well as the families of my niece and nephews so lots of looking at the past and solving mysteries and working puzzles. So this card (in the Earth Magic oracle deck) spoke of ancestors not only in my past but ancestral spirits in the land around me. This connected so beautifully with me and gave me a shot of energy and inspiration.  The land I live on is very negative, filled with spiritual energies that are not welcoming or friendly and it really bogs me down. I haven't been thriving like I used to living anywhere else.It's been a struggle to just survive but this was the only option we had so I make the best of it.

I was all ready to step out and take the world by the scruff of it's neck and make it mine.  the this stomach virus snuck in and kicked my ass. ugh.  So, re-examining my options while I recover.  I miss being spiritual, and witchy and feeling connected, everything felt right when I was. So now to find my way back.

new changes afoot

In the last couple of weeks I have been focusing on my battle with PCOS. It has been the source of great frustration, heartache and the odd physical ailments for my entire adult life.  Recently I learned that it is highly suspected that PCOS is a autoimmune disorder and that gluten, dairy, and other food allergens could be causing all the troubles we PCOSers live with.  Well, dairy isn't my friend, I've known this for years, I can do fermented dairy, some cheeses, with no ill effects.  I refuse to give up eggs, they make me happy and unless my body shows me that I can no longer have them I will stick with them.  I get my eggs fresh from my neighbor's healthy chickens, can't beat that.

Which leaves me with gluten. I know carbohydrates are not my friend. they contribute to my weight gain and resistance to weight loss.  I had been currently off a lower carb diet because I spent years, adhering strictly to low carb living and still, weight stayed put. UGH.  so now I am one week into gluten-free living and holy moly!  I feel fantastic!  I had been struggling with discomfort with my innards since I was on antibiotics for a tooth infection last month. No amount of probiotics helped.  So cutting out/reducing the gluten intake has helped considerably.  I still had some lavash (oatbran, flax and wheat, so gluten) to use up but apart from that I have been eating Rudi's gluten free whole grain hamburger buns when I have any bread.  I found a rice cheese that is amazing and had a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches over the course of the week.  How I have missed those!

So I have decided to set up a blog dedicated to the ups and downs of gluten-free living over here with my first recipe Creamy Lentil Soup with basil pesto.  yum

Ready for Spring

The older I get the less I appreciate or even like Winter.  I know, I know, perfect time to rest and go all introspective and all but for someone who already lives in their head this is just more of the same.  The cold makes my bones ache and I dread the ice whether I be traveling by car or by foot.  I've never loved Winter, even as I child, I made do and anxiously awaited Spring.  There is nothing like Spring, the tangible surge of energy all around, the growing cacophony of birdsong, and the flood of color spreading, it makes my heart burst with joy and my spirit soar.

Hibernating away in a cosy, warm home with a woodstove or fireplace, with picture windows to watch a gentle pastoral scene of wild life coming in to poke about as I sit warming myself by a fire, knitting and dreaming of Spring planting.  the not having to go anywhere is key for me, then perhaps I'd revel in the slowness that the Winter season brings.  However in this day and age we are a go go go society and life has not brought be to a place where I can tuck in for a season. It is a goal, for my older years, however for now I have to continue building the foundation for that future.

For this Winter I have been appreciating a slower life, this year we lay low to keep Pixie out of the frequently sick populace while her immune system is suppressed.  One cold in September nearly wiped out her neutrophils and nearly landed us back in the hospital.  After spending so many weeks there last winter I am bound and determined to keep her healthy and far away from the in patient floor! Six months more of treatment and then things return to normal (well, normal for us).  I am starting to look at job opportunities, as I must find work, a new home and a foster home for all of my plants this year. It feels rather daunting but the battle to maintain a positive chatter in my head helps some. 

In the meantime I've been working more with crystals, doing readings for people and working to exercise my intuitive self.   One of the most amazing happenings for me of late is my sudden ability to handle and wear carnelian!  I have never been able to, it caused headaches and increased heart issues and made me quite irritable.  I was reading The Illustrated Directory of Healing Crystals by Cassandra Eason a few days ago and suddenly got it in my mind to try holding the one piece of carnelian I have.  It was an amazing experience, my hands hummed, my heart chakra area got warm and energized.  I wore it for a few hours and then again most of yesterday and the energy level is fantastic, it uplifts my moods and gives such a sense of confidence and power.  I am still trying to figure out why this has suddenly changed, my theory is that I had some serious blockage somewhere that the carnelian was trying to work open and I fought it subconsciously. Either way, I'll work with it now for as long as I can.  I also invite others to reexamine their reactions to certain stones and see if perhaps it's stirring up emotions, etc. that you may not be ready to deal with.

I was hoping to write more however my laptop stopped working, I am sad that I was unable to get all my photos, recipes, etc off of it before it crapped out.  I knew it was going to happen but didn't have the sd cards or the funds for sd cards to back it all up. sigh.  For now I am back on a desktop PC however the hard wooden chair is most uncomfortable so I don't sit for as long anymore.  Probably a good thing!

So in order to set up the desktop in our new room I had to clean and pack away stuff.  I must say just this little work in one corner of the room has made a huge difference in the overall energy of the space.  Since Pixie's diagnosis we have been stuffed into this tiny room because it is on the first floor and has it's own bathroom.  While the danger of her on the stairs has passed, the ability to control contagions in the bathroom keeps us here.  I stay with her because all other rooms are on the second floor and I'd never sleep knowing she was downstairs all by herself. So this way we sleep better, despite the noisy people and early morning hungry cat stomping all over me howling for food.

It will be interesting to see what comes of this new burst of energy both in me and in our sleep space/haven.  Hopefully more knitting!  In the meantime I'll poke through old backups and try to retrieve as many photos and files as I can, and hopefully somewhere a computer geek can power up my laptop long enough to remove all my precious files.  Until then, family tree climbing and knitting!

"Crow is the left-handed guardian"

Tuesday morning joy, two crows perched on the fence 5 feet from me as I stopped for a coffee this morning. I was grinning like an idiot to see them so close and since two crows mean joy I really was bursting with a sunshine-y energy this foggy morning.

Crows and ravens are a totem of mine and Pixie's.  In Native American zodiac we were both born during the time of the crow.  No matter where we go, these lovely beauties follow.  Whenever we are driving one of us will point out crows we see...."three crows"...."four crows", is a frequent sound in our car.

Despite their consistent presence in my life, I find that each time I have a significant encounter with them I have to go look at their totem meaning.  Today I realised how crazy that is!  I am thinking that perhaps I am not as connected to them as I should be, despite their constant presence.  Yesterday evening I got to thinking that my magical/witchy practices really need renewed focus from me.  the last five years have been rough so my spirituality took a big old hit.  I miss the awe and wonder of exploring the pagan path.  Ten years ago I was a part of a couple online e-lists and we shared info, ideas and blogged and it was fantastic.  Ten years later the internet community has changed, now it seems that it's all about exposure and making a buck and not sharing and growing as a community, so I've been feeling quite lost.  Granted my path is my own I still like to gather ideas and such from others as they walk their own path.  In the last several years my path has been less witchy and more energetically spiritual (if that makes sense).  I am not Wiccan, I identify myself as earth centered pagan.  I think these last five years reflect my disconnection from the outdoors.  Having had school, work and living in the city and then all the stress etc. of Pixie's treatment I don't have the constant connection with quiet, woods, and natural hum of the earth to soothe myself with.  Plus the regular messages I've gotten in the last year to get out into nature have been ignored (smacks forehead).  I did make a half-assed attempt last summer and autumn, however it was challenging as the land we live on is spiritually active and was on overload for much of the summer and all through the autumn, making it tough to really relax.

So, enough of my excuses, eh?  Yeah.  I really miss sharing passion and excitement in our paths, it seems so many people have been so inundated with stress, struggle and heartache and have forgotten the joys of our spirituality.  I miss my girls of the CPD, who while I still connect with them on f@cebook it's just not the same, I feel we scattered to the four corners of the earth.  I would love to find a group that really wanted to make a working effort to reconnect to the earth/goddess/divine/nature/etc through practices, crafting, everyday living and share their experiences.  All without trying to make a buck or see how many followers to their blog they can get. Which seems to be the popular thing nowadays. :(

For now I'll work on getting myself on track, and strive to babble on about it here.

the whirligig that poses as my brain..

It may be the new year, which routes my thoughts to new beginnings and trying anew to find some sort of balance and peace with myself. As with many, I struggle frequently, I am often rather lost and adrift.  Understanding the why is the challenge, I have been contemplating setting up an anonymous blog to just talk it all out, cheapest therapy I can find.  I have tried writing in my journal but for some reason it doesn't work quite the same way.  I suspect that the written word splayed out for the world to see sends a sort of sos signal and sometime, somewhere, there is a soul reading and knowing they are not alone in their struggles. It's a less invested way to find the confirmation that one's life isn't as peachy keen as we'd want, that we are not (all that) crazy and that we are earthbound souls struggle so hard to manage our way through this incarnation.  An incarnation we chose to have.

My biggest hurdle right now is the mire that is depression and the after effects of having my only child diagnosed with cancer.  I notice when I begin speaking or writing about it I immediately throw up walls and beat myself up "here she goes again, going on and on and on about that cancer thing" and I stop writing.  Why?  This is one of the most terrifying experiences a parents can go through.  To top that off I have done it alone, for the most part, in my physical life (as opposed to online connections). I'm not the first and I won't be the last however this is current my heavy weight, pulling me down and slowing me to a crawl. This is why I wonder about an anonymous blog, not just with all I've endured the last almost two years but also the realization that in those two years I've completely lost myself.  I have no desire to do anything for me, I am that fucking tired.  It's a struggle to climb the stairs to take a shower each day, to brush my teeth, to eat foods I need to in order to keep my PCOS in check.  I feel exhausted every day, some days I physically ache so much I can barely move and eating is the last thing I wish to do, however low blood sugar forces me to get something.  My joy in delighting in raw foods, fresh food creations was forgotten a few years back.

I know all the self-help to do lists, I've been reading them ad nauseum. I don't want to do a damn thing, just sleep, maybe knit, sit in the garden and listen to the birds (if only it were spring or summer).  Life has gotten too hard and I have checked out.  If one more person tells me I need to seek counseling I'll punch them in the face.  I've done counseling a good portion of my life, how else can an empath, abuse victim and child of divorce survive in this crazy world without it? I have a child with me 24/7 and its difficult to schedule or plan much of anything because there is no one in town to help, everyone lives out of town.

I know the mental chatter required to be a functioning, productive member of the human race.  I can help anyone else, provide love, support, guidance. I just cannot manage that for myself, the weight and exhaustion have depleted me. My heart aches so painfully that my child came so close to dying.  I am VERY blessed and thankful that she survived, healed and is thriving however that paralyzing fear coming to life punched the air out of me. I yearn for some time where I can be mothered, nurtured, looked after so I can get back to a good place again.  However, I don't think that option is available to me. The one person who filled this role passed away ten years ago this September. I am the mother, the nurturer, the caretaker now. My emotional self is telling my logical mind to piss off, we want what we want even if we may not be able to have it.  It has reverted to a petulant child, stomping and pouting. Something it rarely has had the opportunity to do, even when I was a child.

So, what does one do when they find themselves in such a place with few perceptible resources?  That is what I intend to figure out. I have to heal and thrive, I just don't feel I can do it alone anymore.

Nearly a year ago I made a vision board, in it there were countless images of love, marriage, partners, another person.  I'm a Libra so that's a bit of a DUH! We crave relationships.  However, I have always been very careful and guarded, I've had two *serious* relationships in my life and 1 dating relationship in my 43 years. So for some reason the love, partnership, etc. is the big part of what I focused on last year.  As I prepare to create a new vision board I am struck but the lack of appeal that now has for me.  I'd say it's the furthest thing from my mind but that's not true.  I would like a companion, I have just realized that he isn't around here right now.  It would explain the lack of appeal ever male I see out there has for me. Perhaps I am deluding myself.  Either way, today my focuses in this vision board are about redirecting my diet, pulling more joy out of gardening, being out in nature, my photography, being active with my daughter.  I see that as progress, that I am recognising I need to come first, in this healing process before I think about bringing someone else into this nuthouse I call a heart.  I have five and a half years ahead before Pixie is 18 and heading off to college.  I often wonder if maybe that time is meant only for the two of us.  As for the now, this year I must find a steady, abundant source of income, a home for us and pull out of this tightly shelled ball I've been in since Pixie started improving and I knew she was in remission and survived the treatment. I'd like this shell and feeling of malaise long gone before this summer so I can fully enjoy this trip of a lifetime with her and my brother. So blogging, either here or somewhere else, is looking more appealing.