- Yule Cookie Recipes, 2003-2008
- Raising Chickens
- Companion Planting
- Container Gardening
- Non-Toxic Cleaning
- Organic Pest Control
- Gardening by the Moon
- Seasonal Kitchen-August 2008
- Seasonal Kitchen-Summer Solstice 2008, 2009
- Seasonal Kitchen-Samhuinn 2008
- Seasonal Kitchen-Harvest 2008
- Seasonal Kitchen-July 2008
19 January 2012
the whirligig that poses as my brain..
My biggest hurdle right now is the mire that is depression and the after effects of having my only child diagnosed with cancer. I notice when I begin speaking or writing about it I immediately throw up walls and beat myself up "here she goes again, going on and on and on about that cancer thing" and I stop writing. Why? This is one of the most terrifying experiences a parents can go through. To top that off I have done it alone, for the most part, in my physical life (as opposed to online connections). I'm not the first and I won't be the last however this is current my heavy weight, pulling me down and slowing me to a crawl. This is why I wonder about an anonymous blog, not just with all I've endured the last almost two years but also the realization that in those two years I've completely lost myself. I have no desire to do anything for me, I am that fucking tired. It's a struggle to climb the stairs to take a shower each day, to brush my teeth, to eat foods I need to in order to keep my PCOS in check. I feel exhausted every day, some days I physically ache so much I can barely move and eating is the last thing I wish to do, however low blood sugar forces me to get something. My joy in delighting in raw foods, fresh food creations was forgotten a few years back.
I know the mental chatter required to be a functioning, productive member of the human race. I can help anyone else, provide love, support, guidance. I just cannot manage that for myself, the weight and exhaustion have depleted me. My heart aches so painfully that my child came so close to dying. I am VERY blessed and thankful that she survived, healed and is thriving however that paralyzing fear coming to life punched the air out of me. I yearn for some time where I can be mothered, nurtured, looked after so I can get back to a good place again. However, I don't think that option is available to me. The one person who filled this role passed away ten years ago this September. I am the mother, the nurturer, the caretaker now. My emotional self is telling my logical mind to piss off, we want what we want even if we may not be able to have it. It has reverted to a petulant child, stomping and pouting. Something it rarely has had the opportunity to do, even when I was a child.
So, what does one do when they find themselves in such a place with few perceptible resources? That is what I intend to figure out. I have to heal and thrive, I just don't feel I can do it alone anymore.