19 January 2012

the whirligig that poses as my brain..

It may be the new year, which routes my thoughts to new beginnings and trying anew to find some sort of balance and peace with myself. As with many, I struggle frequently, I am often rather lost and adrift.  Understanding the why is the challenge, I have been contemplating setting up an anonymous blog to just talk it all out, cheapest therapy I can find.  I have tried writing in my journal but for some reason it doesn't work quite the same way.  I suspect that the written word splayed out for the world to see sends a sort of sos signal and sometime, somewhere, there is a soul reading and knowing they are not alone in their struggles. It's a less invested way to find the confirmation that one's life isn't as peachy keen as we'd want, that we are not (all that) crazy and that we are earthbound souls struggle so hard to manage our way through this incarnation.  An incarnation we chose to have.

My biggest hurdle right now is the mire that is depression and the after effects of having my only child diagnosed with cancer.  I notice when I begin speaking or writing about it I immediately throw up walls and beat myself up "here she goes again, going on and on and on about that cancer thing" and I stop writing.  Why?  This is one of the most terrifying experiences a parents can go through.  To top that off I have done it alone, for the most part, in my physical life (as opposed to online connections). I'm not the first and I won't be the last however this is current my heavy weight, pulling me down and slowing me to a crawl. This is why I wonder about an anonymous blog, not just with all I've endured the last almost two years but also the realization that in those two years I've completely lost myself.  I have no desire to do anything for me, I am that fucking tired.  It's a struggle to climb the stairs to take a shower each day, to brush my teeth, to eat foods I need to in order to keep my PCOS in check.  I feel exhausted every day, some days I physically ache so much I can barely move and eating is the last thing I wish to do, however low blood sugar forces me to get something.  My joy in delighting in raw foods, fresh food creations was forgotten a few years back.

I know all the self-help to do lists, I've been reading them ad nauseum. I don't want to do a damn thing, just sleep, maybe knit, sit in the garden and listen to the birds (if only it were spring or summer).  Life has gotten too hard and I have checked out.  If one more person tells me I need to seek counseling I'll punch them in the face.  I've done counseling a good portion of my life, how else can an empath, abuse victim and child of divorce survive in this crazy world without it? I have a child with me 24/7 and its difficult to schedule or plan much of anything because there is no one in town to help, everyone lives out of town.

I know the mental chatter required to be a functioning, productive member of the human race.  I can help anyone else, provide love, support, guidance. I just cannot manage that for myself, the weight and exhaustion have depleted me. My heart aches so painfully that my child came so close to dying.  I am VERY blessed and thankful that she survived, healed and is thriving however that paralyzing fear coming to life punched the air out of me. I yearn for some time where I can be mothered, nurtured, looked after so I can get back to a good place again.  However, I don't think that option is available to me. The one person who filled this role passed away ten years ago this September. I am the mother, the nurturer, the caretaker now. My emotional self is telling my logical mind to piss off, we want what we want even if we may not be able to have it.  It has reverted to a petulant child, stomping and pouting. Something it rarely has had the opportunity to do, even when I was a child.

So, what does one do when they find themselves in such a place with few perceptible resources?  That is what I intend to figure out. I have to heal and thrive, I just don't feel I can do it alone anymore.

Nearly a year ago I made a vision board, in it there were countless images of love, marriage, partners, another person.  I'm a Libra so that's a bit of a DUH! We crave relationships.  However, I have always been very careful and guarded, I've had two *serious* relationships in my life and 1 dating relationship in my 43 years. So for some reason the love, partnership, etc. is the big part of what I focused on last year.  As I prepare to create a new vision board I am struck but the lack of appeal that now has for me.  I'd say it's the furthest thing from my mind but that's not true.  I would like a companion, I have just realized that he isn't around here right now.  It would explain the lack of appeal ever male I see out there has for me. Perhaps I am deluding myself.  Either way, today my focuses in this vision board are about redirecting my diet, pulling more joy out of gardening, being out in nature, my photography, being active with my daughter.  I see that as progress, that I am recognising I need to come first, in this healing process before I think about bringing someone else into this nuthouse I call a heart.  I have five and a half years ahead before Pixie is 18 and heading off to college.  I often wonder if maybe that time is meant only for the two of us.  As for the now, this year I must find a steady, abundant source of income, a home for us and pull out of this tightly shelled ball I've been in since Pixie started improving and I knew she was in remission and survived the treatment. I'd like this shell and feeling of malaise long gone before this summer so I can fully enjoy this trip of a lifetime with her and my brother. So blogging, either here or somewhere else, is looking more appealing.

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