24 January 2012

"Crow is the left-handed guardian"

Tuesday morning joy, two crows perched on the fence 5 feet from me as I stopped for a coffee this morning. I was grinning like an idiot to see them so close and since two crows mean joy I really was bursting with a sunshine-y energy this foggy morning.

Crows and ravens are a totem of mine and Pixie's.  In Native American zodiac we were both born during the time of the crow.  No matter where we go, these lovely beauties follow.  Whenever we are driving one of us will point out crows we see...."three crows"...."four crows", is a frequent sound in our car.

Despite their consistent presence in my life, I find that each time I have a significant encounter with them I have to go look at their totem meaning.  Today I realised how crazy that is!  I am thinking that perhaps I am not as connected to them as I should be, despite their constant presence.  Yesterday evening I got to thinking that my magical/witchy practices really need renewed focus from me.  the last five years have been rough so my spirituality took a big old hit.  I miss the awe and wonder of exploring the pagan path.  Ten years ago I was a part of a couple online e-lists and we shared info, ideas and blogged and it was fantastic.  Ten years later the internet community has changed, now it seems that it's all about exposure and making a buck and not sharing and growing as a community, so I've been feeling quite lost.  Granted my path is my own I still like to gather ideas and such from others as they walk their own path.  In the last several years my path has been less witchy and more energetically spiritual (if that makes sense).  I am not Wiccan, I identify myself as earth centered pagan.  I think these last five years reflect my disconnection from the outdoors.  Having had school, work and living in the city and then all the stress etc. of Pixie's treatment I don't have the constant connection with quiet, woods, and natural hum of the earth to soothe myself with.  Plus the regular messages I've gotten in the last year to get out into nature have been ignored (smacks forehead).  I did make a half-assed attempt last summer and autumn, however it was challenging as the land we live on is spiritually active and was on overload for much of the summer and all through the autumn, making it tough to really relax.

So, enough of my excuses, eh?  Yeah.  I really miss sharing passion and excitement in our paths, it seems so many people have been so inundated with stress, struggle and heartache and have forgotten the joys of our spirituality.  I miss my girls of the CPD, who while I still connect with them on f@cebook it's just not the same, I feel we scattered to the four corners of the earth.  I would love to find a group that really wanted to make a working effort to reconnect to the earth/goddess/divine/nature/etc through practices, crafting, everyday living and share their experiences.  All without trying to make a buck or see how many followers to their blog they can get. Which seems to be the popular thing nowadays. :(

For now I'll work on getting myself on track, and strive to babble on about it here.

19 January 2012

the whirligig that poses as my brain..

It may be the new year, which routes my thoughts to new beginnings and trying anew to find some sort of balance and peace with myself. As with many, I struggle frequently, I am often rather lost and adrift.  Understanding the why is the challenge, I have been contemplating setting up an anonymous blog to just talk it all out, cheapest therapy I can find.  I have tried writing in my journal but for some reason it doesn't work quite the same way.  I suspect that the written word splayed out for the world to see sends a sort of sos signal and sometime, somewhere, there is a soul reading and knowing they are not alone in their struggles. It's a less invested way to find the confirmation that one's life isn't as peachy keen as we'd want, that we are not (all that) crazy and that we are earthbound souls struggle so hard to manage our way through this incarnation.  An incarnation we chose to have.

My biggest hurdle right now is the mire that is depression and the after effects of having my only child diagnosed with cancer.  I notice when I begin speaking or writing about it I immediately throw up walls and beat myself up "here she goes again, going on and on and on about that cancer thing" and I stop writing.  Why?  This is one of the most terrifying experiences a parents can go through.  To top that off I have done it alone, for the most part, in my physical life (as opposed to online connections). I'm not the first and I won't be the last however this is current my heavy weight, pulling me down and slowing me to a crawl. This is why I wonder about an anonymous blog, not just with all I've endured the last almost two years but also the realization that in those two years I've completely lost myself.  I have no desire to do anything for me, I am that fucking tired.  It's a struggle to climb the stairs to take a shower each day, to brush my teeth, to eat foods I need to in order to keep my PCOS in check.  I feel exhausted every day, some days I physically ache so much I can barely move and eating is the last thing I wish to do, however low blood sugar forces me to get something.  My joy in delighting in raw foods, fresh food creations was forgotten a few years back.

I know all the self-help to do lists, I've been reading them ad nauseum. I don't want to do a damn thing, just sleep, maybe knit, sit in the garden and listen to the birds (if only it were spring or summer).  Life has gotten too hard and I have checked out.  If one more person tells me I need to seek counseling I'll punch them in the face.  I've done counseling a good portion of my life, how else can an empath, abuse victim and child of divorce survive in this crazy world without it? I have a child with me 24/7 and its difficult to schedule or plan much of anything because there is no one in town to help, everyone lives out of town.

I know the mental chatter required to be a functioning, productive member of the human race.  I can help anyone else, provide love, support, guidance. I just cannot manage that for myself, the weight and exhaustion have depleted me. My heart aches so painfully that my child came so close to dying.  I am VERY blessed and thankful that she survived, healed and is thriving however that paralyzing fear coming to life punched the air out of me. I yearn for some time where I can be mothered, nurtured, looked after so I can get back to a good place again.  However, I don't think that option is available to me. The one person who filled this role passed away ten years ago this September. I am the mother, the nurturer, the caretaker now. My emotional self is telling my logical mind to piss off, we want what we want even if we may not be able to have it.  It has reverted to a petulant child, stomping and pouting. Something it rarely has had the opportunity to do, even when I was a child.

So, what does one do when they find themselves in such a place with few perceptible resources?  That is what I intend to figure out. I have to heal and thrive, I just don't feel I can do it alone anymore.

Nearly a year ago I made a vision board, in it there were countless images of love, marriage, partners, another person.  I'm a Libra so that's a bit of a DUH! We crave relationships.  However, I have always been very careful and guarded, I've had two *serious* relationships in my life and 1 dating relationship in my 43 years. So for some reason the love, partnership, etc. is the big part of what I focused on last year.  As I prepare to create a new vision board I am struck but the lack of appeal that now has for me.  I'd say it's the furthest thing from my mind but that's not true.  I would like a companion, I have just realized that he isn't around here right now.  It would explain the lack of appeal ever male I see out there has for me. Perhaps I am deluding myself.  Either way, today my focuses in this vision board are about redirecting my diet, pulling more joy out of gardening, being out in nature, my photography, being active with my daughter.  I see that as progress, that I am recognising I need to come first, in this healing process before I think about bringing someone else into this nuthouse I call a heart.  I have five and a half years ahead before Pixie is 18 and heading off to college.  I often wonder if maybe that time is meant only for the two of us.  As for the now, this year I must find a steady, abundant source of income, a home for us and pull out of this tightly shelled ball I've been in since Pixie started improving and I knew she was in remission and survived the treatment. I'd like this shell and feeling of malaise long gone before this summer so I can fully enjoy this trip of a lifetime with her and my brother. So blogging, either here or somewhere else, is looking more appealing.

09 January 2012

21-Day Challenge - Yoga Journal

Starts today, Pixie and I will both be doing this. It is my hope that this will kickstart me enough to get me back into regular yoga practice.

21-Day Challenge - Yoga Journal

07 January 2012

Welcome 2012

After weeks of computer issues (first the battery then the power adapter) I finally got my power adapter in the mail today (best $4 ever spent!) and got my laptop up and running today!  I was more upset about the possibility of having lost all of my photos and files on here that were not backed up.  So, plan for this week is to at least get my photos into some storage.

So 2012 started off oddly, while the old to new year was spent at my brother's and sister in law's home with them, my newest niece and my oldest sister (and of course my Pixie!) what started once we returned home seemed a downhill slide and that confused me.  Now as we reach the Full Moon I find my energy kicking up some.  I got to visit my fave witchy store twice in the last week which resulted in a hunk of galena and a small piece of diopside.  I also had some good chats with the owner which helped to make sense of all that has been coming through in the last month or so.  I have been noticing that spirit guides are coming through more, spirits in general are coming through more. I have been shaking off the decades of fear of this gift, everything is beginning to fit me better. I love that I can help people and pass along messages or guidance.

So 2012 is here!  I am so thankful and excited, so much is happening this year, I will be back to work at a new job this year, Pixie and I will either be into a new home or preparing for moving into a new home. This year brings the much anticipated and exciting end of leukemia treatment for my beloved girl, my beautiful survivor who has beaten cancer.  This summer will bring us to Scotland for 9 glorious days exploring the magical and haunted sites that Pixie wishes to see. This is a year that brings us the rebirth of us in our new and MUCH happier lives.  This is a year of hope and potential as well as dreams realized and new beginnings celebrated.  All of the unknowns seem daunting at times but I work hard to say open and welcoming to all the wonderful things and experiences coming our way.

Happy New Year!